I knew when I was pregnant that I wanted to breast feed. I was determined that I was going to give it the best go that I could. Everything during pregnancy pointed towards Breast Feeding and there was so much information about it but like I say I was determined I was going to throw everything at it. So much so that I after going to our birth class, they suggested if we wanted to give it a real go, not to pack any formula in your hospital bag, so I didn't...
As I mentioned in my birth story (here if you haven't read it), I ended up in theatre for an assisted delivery. I worried that this would effect my ability to be able to breast feed if I couldn't get skin to skin and a latch soon after birth however the theatre team were absolutely amazing and as soon as I was wheeled into the recovery area she helped me to get Erin latched on and our Breast Feeding journey began. I was so happy. It felt so natural. However I won't lie it was after that moment when the problems started.
I don't want to sound like I am not grateful to the midwives on the ward I was on, however as a first time mum, I won't lie, I felt a little... left to it.. I wasn't really sure what I was doing. We were both new at this and I felt a bit like a duck out of water. I was also the only person in my bay which was lovely but also very isolating. I persevered with it doing what I thought was correct. The midwife came round to do a Erin’s new born check and mentioned a tongue tie but then brushed it off (and I didn’t think any more about it) and I kept trying. We had to stay in overnight and I’d heard loads of people say if your not happy with how it’s going then ask and ask and don’t let them discharge you until your completely confident however the midwives seemed more concerned with the fact I hadn’t done the needed amount of wee’s since having my catheter out than how I was feeding particularly in the middle of the night. The first night was very hard and Erin basically cluster fed all night. If your pregnant and you don’t know what it is, look it up, research it and prepare yourself for it! I had never heard it uttered before but man it was hard - it basically meant she would feed, fall asleep and the minute I would put her down she would be crying to be fed again.. every 20 minutes or so... all night.
The next day, not completely confident but not reassured by the midwives, I went home. The day after (Friday) my health visitor came and I mentioned I was struggling. She suggested I ring the community support team who I have to say were absolutely amazing! I had a really good chat on the phone to her and she offered to come out to my house on the Saturday which she did! When she came it was like a breath of fresh air. She watched me feed and then corrected my technique of how to hold. She also did another check of Erin’s tongue (she was now the 3rd person to have) and said she has a tongue tie which she suggested could have been one of the problems which her latching along with my positing. She booked me in to the tongue tie clinic the next week and said if she was right about it then it would be sorted there and then.
We corrected the hold and it got slightly better however the fact she couldn’t latch properly was causing us lots of issues as even if I eventually got her in the right position she would pull off. Plus a couple of days of bad positioning before actually being shown what do to meant Erin was making my nipples really sore.
Saturday night was one of the worst nights we’ve had! She screamed and screamed and screamed all night. I tried putting her on the breast and she would go for a few minutes then pull off - that was probably the worst night of cluster feeding there was! By the morning I was a broken woman! I sat sobbing on the phone to my mum at 10am and Adam decided that enough was enough and he would go to Asda and pick up a tub of formula so we could try combi feeding.
She instantly took to the bottle and was so much happier! I felt all kinds of mum guilt for having to give her a bottle at 5 days old but then reminded myself that if she had been fed that was surely the best thing.
I continued to express and we did a combination of breast from the boob, expressed and bottle. She had her tongue tie sorted at a week old and it made the latch so much better! I though YES that’s it! We’ve got this!
We then spent a few days at Adams parents house in Sheffield when Erin was about 10 days old and I’ll admit I found it very hard, finding it easier to offer her a bottle with all the visitors that there were. I expressed as much as I could while we were there but again it was hard.
I then made the massive mistake of leaving the top to the breast pump in Sheffield which meant if I wanted to express I had to use the manual pump I had which worked great but needed 2 hands and twice as much effort!
Then just after we got back from Sheffield we had another set back when I noticed Erin had trush in her mouth. It also caused something called nipple thrush which meant every time she fed from the breast it caused absolute agony for me! I tried expressing as much as I could with the hand pump but she ended up with more and more formula.
At 4 weeks old, as I sat in a puddle of tears, I decided enough was enough. Trying to express as much milk as I could from an ever dwindling supply was making me really miserable and Erin stopped latching properly, preferring to take from a bottle and was screaming any time I tried to feed her from the boob and thrashing around so much she was going to hurt me and herself, so I decided enough was enough! If it was making us both unhappy then was it worth it?
As I fed her the last expressed bottle of milk I had, I cried, feeling like some kind of mum failure that I had only been able to make it to exactly 4 weeks - no where near the recommended 6 months - but then I reminded myself that 4 weeks was 4 weeks! She had the best start I could have given her and that ultimately fed was best for her!
I can’t help thinking so many obsticles were thrown in the way for us! I feel more confident that when we have baby no2 I would be able to give it a try again however ultimately I have realised that if it doesn’t work then it isn’t the end of the world. Erin is thriving and healthy and following all the charts as she should! At the end of the day isn’t that all that really matters?
♥
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